[Fiona is sitting on the roof of her rover with a small stock of snowballs, pelting them at the snowman on the ground. It looks exactly like Fiona, except, of course, made of snow, and smiling placidly. She never smiles like that, it makes her look lobotomized. A cigarette dangles from her mouth.]
Yeah, sure. Thanks. [She takes her Gauss rifle out of her pack.] I know how to shoot and everything. [She's not great at it, but she knows enough of the basics that anything more will come with time and practice.]
[He aims a swift kick in the snowwoman's direction, letting it crumble before he steps on the remains as he moves closer.]
Good. Right in the head. Not always easy though. Chest'll do just fine too.
Knife, though. [He's still twirling it, slowly, carefully.] Major arteries are a good place to start. Under the armpit, behind the knee, side of the neck, near the groin. Jugular and carotid arteries.
[He snatches it out of the air, extending the hilt out at her to take.] Stab 'em in the eye. Achilles' tendon too, if you're in a pinch.
[That brings a smile to Fiona's face. Christ, she hates that awful thing. Fiona takes the knife carefully, weighing it in her hand before holding it like he had, copying him from observation.] Armpit, knee, neck, groin. All the places you'd call the hospital over.
[It occurs to her hat she can reverse her previous knowledge of childcare, the constant worry over the kids hurting themselves in the worst and most dangerous places. She can turn that inside out, into a map of all the ways she can hurt people. The knowledge should be chilling, but it's not. It's just very clear.]
[Since she died, everything's just been... very clear.] Achilles' tendon? You want me to go all mob boss on somebody? [Still, it makes sense. They wouldn't do it if it didn't work.]
Only if you need to. Say you get knocked to the ground. Real easy to slash that tendon and send them right down in the dirt with ya. [And then, you know, roll over on top of them and go to town.]
So. Let's start. [He's looking up at her expectantly, folding his arms across his chest.]
[There's a silent moment where Fiona just stares blankly up at Wilson, until she gets it. She scoffs.] I'm not fucking stabbing you, c'mon. [There are still plenty of snowmen to stab. She walks past him, knife still in hand, to find one.]
[Fiona doesn't twist out of his grasp, but she does swat ineffectually at it.] Why d'you think it's about killing? I dunno how things are on your planet, but we don't stab our friends in Chicago. [Her last few words come out with a slight tinge of condescension, as though explaining this concept to a small child.]
[And Fiona waits it out, by now accustomed to the strange turns their conversations seem to invariably take.] Yes...? I don't cook for just anybody. [That's just the kind of thing you say, when someone seems confused by the concept of friendship. Maybe that's the trade-off for Captain America being real.]
[And Fiona finally twists out of Wilson's grip when her expression turns... well, sour. Or, less poetically, like her icon.]
I'm not. Fucking. Stabbing you. [And then her posture shifts, expression brightening, as she remembers her earlier dedication to keeping the tone light.] People on my planet survive all the time doing this shit to test dummies, okay?
Don't... talk all big like that. It makes you sound like a jackass. [Because she is afraid of hurting him. And she's scared by how he doesn't seem to be afraid of hurting himself.] If this is something you get off on, I can learn from somebody else. [She holds the knife out, hilt first, for him to take.]
[He reaches out to accept the knife... and instead snatches her wrist, hard. He then carefully maneuvers the knife, gripping both it and and her before he slashes himself deep right underneath his right armpit.]
You feel that bite? You have to use that much pressure. [And blood is immediately gushing from the wound, coating the blade and his clothing.] Can't go wrong with doing it too hard. [It hurts, a burning that persists even now, but he's talking like he can't even feel it.]
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yeah
FROM: wilson.wade@cdc.org
that way you'll know a few neato tricks to fuck someone up forever if they try anything stupid
FROM: wilson.wade@cdc.org
nah. if you'd met her, you'd remember.
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FROM: gallagher.fiona@cdc.org
im always up 4 neato tricks. whats ur rate
FROM: gallagher.fiona@cdc.org
ill keep an eye out next time
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idk. never got hired to teach people how to kill before.
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FROM: gallagher.fiona@cdc.org
i could teach u something in return but all my neato tricks r boring. if u need some1 to balance ur checkbook im ur girl
FROM: gallagher.fiona@cdc.org
i can cook?
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FROM: wilson.wade@cdc.org
done and done. you got a knife and a gun?
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the cooking or the checkbook balancing?
FROM: gallagher.fiona@cdc.org
i got a gun. im getting a knife the next drop
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the cooking. i only pay in cash.
FROM: wilson.wade@cdc.org
k. sounds good.
[He's gonna steal her a knife.]
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ok what food do u like
FROM: gallagher.fiona@cdc.org
and what time u want 2 start
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anything edible. seriously.
FROM: wilson.wade@cdc.org
gimme an a hour.
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i can work with that
FROM: gallagher.fiona@cdc.org
ok ill b outside rover 34
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[He's absently tossing that knife about with lazy ease.] You ready to go?
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Yeah, sure. Thanks. [She takes her Gauss rifle out of her pack.] I know how to shoot and everything. [She's not great at it, but she knows enough of the basics that anything more will come with time and practice.]
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Good. Right in the head. Not always easy though. Chest'll do just fine too.
Knife, though. [He's still twirling it, slowly, carefully.] Major arteries are a good place to start. Under the armpit, behind the knee, side of the neck, near the groin. Jugular and carotid arteries.
[He snatches it out of the air, extending the hilt out at her to take.] Stab 'em in the eye. Achilles' tendon too, if you're in a pinch.
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[It occurs to her hat she can reverse her previous knowledge of childcare, the constant worry over the kids hurting themselves in the worst and most dangerous places. She can turn that inside out, into a map of all the ways she can hurt people. The knowledge should be chilling, but it's not. It's just very clear.]
[Since she died, everything's just been... very clear.] Achilles' tendon? You want me to go all mob boss on somebody? [Still, it makes sense. They wouldn't do it if it didn't work.]
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So. Let's start. [He's looking up at her expectantly, folding his arms across his chest.]
Pick a spot and go.
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You need to know how it feels when you make the right cut. If you don't, chances are you'll fuck up and it'll be all for nothing.
C'mon. You can't kill me. Little knife kisses aren't gonna do shit.
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We're friends?
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She considers him to be a friend.
She chooses to be his friend.
Deadpool's quiet for a long, long time. Eventually, there's a huff of breath, almost amused.]
Yeah, well. I don't just let anyone cut me. And as your friend, I want you to be prepared in case this shit happens again.
So. I'm a real shitty friend. But this is all I got to offer. So.
[Another beat.]
Please.
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I'm not. Fucking. Stabbing you. [And then her posture shifts, expression brightening, as she remembers her earlier dedication to keeping the tone light.] People on my planet survive all the time doing this shit to test dummies, okay?
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This isn't your planet. You've got all sorts of freaks here, and if you don't know what the fuck you're doing, you might die again.
Except you might not come back.
Don't tell me you're scared of hurting me. That's bullshit and we both know it.
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[He reaches out to accept the knife... and instead snatches her wrist, hard. He then carefully maneuvers the knife, gripping both it and and her before he slashes himself deep right underneath his right armpit.]
You feel that bite? You have to use that much pressure. [And blood is immediately gushing from the wound, coating the blade and his clothing.] Can't go wrong with doing it too hard. [It hurts, a burning that persists even now, but he's talking like he can't even feel it.]
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